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The writer first learned about sex from books — turns out it was all wrong. After years of exhaustive fieldwork, Caitlin Moran reveals the funny, messy, horny truth. Also, Mum, where is my lunchbox, and have you seen my gym kit? My name is Caitlin Moranand I write books with lots of sex in them.

This is an interesting paradox, because I primarily write the sex in my books for teenage girls.

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No amusing, nice, fat woman ever had sex, in leggings, in Cannock, because she was horny. That never happened. The result of reading all this was to make me very sexually confused — for starters, I thought I would never be able to have sex until I got a passport, lost four stone and went mad. But when Moran hot girls finally started having sex — thanks, smashing blouse!

You really worked! Their motivations are totally different. For starters, they know that floor dust can actually stain — yeah, you heard. So here, in the interests of balance and information, is all the sex that is actually happening, outside books. Here is: All The Sex. One day, in front of a roaring crowd, you will put your heart and soul into an athletic, expert performance that people will talk about for years. You and Ian are learning Synchronised Kissing. Sex is a great way to make new friends!

This tactic can have mixed. Sometimes you end up in a glorious postcoital chat until 5am, enthusing over a mutual love of Squeeze B-sides, and realise you have a friend for life. How thoughtful of you, older guy, you think. Seeing all this edgy sexual potential in me.

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A hoot. Or he has a moustache like Mr Pringle. Or he has a pet rabbit.

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You were on your period, yeah? This kind of sex very often overlaps with…. While I waited for it to arrive, he very kindly read me some of his terrible poetry — thus doubling the sheer gold of the anecdote without me having to take any more clothes off.

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In this situation, everyone is a winner. Is there a terrible, stifling air of unhappiness, and frantic over-tidying, in their house? Do they snap at each other with all the brittle tension of 45 years of loveless marriage? I am humanity! I am life! Absolutely never do this. It is terrible advice. I was looking for them.

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Now I can mow the lawn! If, some time into your relationship, you get a dog, you will quickly learn that dogs become very upset when a mummy and a daddy love each other very much. This are danger to Dog! Dr Sexington needs to make his rounds!

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Why does no one put these DVDs in the right boxes? Every so often, in a long-term relationship — the onset of spring, or the purchase of a particularly rakish cardigan — you will have sudden, mad, hormonal weeks of terrifyingly intense pumping, where you do it so much, you both end up semi-injured and have to circle each other warily in case more humping breaks out. You saucy little minx. Commenting on this piece? Caitlin Moran: everything I know about sex.

Caitlin Moran. Sat 16 Jun Topics Sex Caitlin Moran Relationships features.

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